Moving Tips For Netwits

I like to move. I like to drive sharp
objects through my palms. I like to kick
bathroom door jams in my bare feet.
But most of all I like to move, across
towns, across countries, across oceans.
By my calculations I've moved fourteen
times in my life. My longest layovers
were in Sarasota, Florida where my
parents paused long enough for me to
go through puberty, and Denver,
Colorado where I spent five years
renovating a house that had no business
being renovated.

Needless to say, I have learned a lot
about moving, important things. I have
discovered that for instance, each move
is more painful than the last, and that the
best way to avoid packing the kitchen is
to say to your spouse, "Honey, we don't
need to wrap this stuff, on a chemical
level, glass is stronger than steel."

We have just moved to a new home in
New Hampshire and as I type this, with
boxes piled high as a moose's antlers
around me, I realize that, really, I should
be unpacking right now. But as I was
trying to determine where to put a cell
phone recharger for a cell phone we lost
long ago, the right side of my face began
to twitch, a sure sign of moving stress
disorder. So before I find a permanent
home for this recharger, where it will
languish until our next move, I'd thought
I'd take a break and jot down a few
handy lessons that I have learned in the
way I acquire the majority of my
knowledge, from the burnt – and also
horribly disfigured – hand of experience.
Can't say I haven't repeated these
mistakes over and over, perhaps you'll
fare better.

College Kids – If you hire college kids
to help you move and you tell them to
be at your house at 9am on a Saturday
morning, they will arrive at noon, and
then carry boxes of cushions at every
opportunity.

Truck Size – Let's say you estimate that
you have three rooms of furniture. After
consulting your trusty moving guide you
determine that a 14-foot rental truck is
sufficient. Now instead of booking that
little Stacey-boy van, here's what you
need to do, take your moving guide and
use it for packing material in your
glassware box, call up the rental
company and ask for their biggest,
meanest, most Mad-Max like truck.
Tell them you're moving a yacht or plan
to do some logging.

Why so big? Well, besides the fun of
being master of all you survey, there is
also a practical reason for going large,
you and I don't utilize the vertical
space in a truck, i.e. we load
everything in one thin layer, and then
say afterwards with furrowed brows,
"We need a bigger truck."

Moving Companies – Perhaps you'll
wise up like we finally did and pay an
obscene amount of money to have a
moving company handle all the grief.
Sounds great, but is it? First the
moving company will send out a well
groomed saleswoman who, with lap
top and hand held computer, will go
through your inventory, pushing many
buttons, smiling many times, and
leaning over many boxes, until finally
she produces a quote based on the
estimated gross weight of your bits
and pieces (furniture that is).

You'll be dazzled by her efficiency,
you'll sign many papers, and then
suddenly she'll depart, leaving only her
perfume hanging wistfully in the air.
It's the last time you'll see her or any
kind of grooming associated with the
moving company.

Approximately a week later you'll
take a glance at the quote and the
following sentence at the bottom of
the estimate will catch your eye, 'This
quote is non-binding'. A month later
you'll be sitting on camping stools in
your new home eating Beef-A-Roni
out of a can waiting for your furniture
to arrive, confident that your
underwear and all your other
possessions are scattered across the
New Jersey Turnpike.

Five weeks later your stuff will arrive
and you'll learn what a non-binding
quote really means, but when 290
pounds of ape-man hands you the
newly revised bill in his pulpy fist, with
what you hope are barbecue chicken
remnants on his shirt, you won't
dispute it, not in the least.

Beware of seller 'freebies' – He said,
"Hey do you want a baby grand
piano?" and I said, "Sure I'd love a
baby grand piano," as if someone had
just offered me a free cheeseburger. I
didn't ask myself the really important
question such as, why would he
want to give me a piano? I just
thought it would be cool to tell people
I know, "Hey I own a baby grand

piano! Wanna come see it?"

Only after moving in did it occur to
me that I don't actually play the
piano, nor does anyone else in my
family (not including my two-year-
old daughter who bangs
indiscriminately on the keys). It
wasn't until I asked myself the
aforementioned important question
did it occur to me that the evil seller
knew all along that the cost of
moving this behemoth would be
more than the value of the behemoth
itself.

Now we have a piano that
dominates three-quarters of our
living room. I think we might chip
the legs down a bit and use it as a
coffee table/baby grand piano.

Duct tape does not a packing tape
make – A funny things happens to
duct tape I discovered when used as
packing tape – it comes unstuck – a
quality you'd least like to see in the
world of adhesives. But duct tape
works so well on wounds, leaky
rafts, and surfboard dings, which is
exactly what I thought as I taped up
a passel of boxes with the stuff; if
there's one thing I learned in ten
years of home maintenance, duct
tape can right many wrongs.

But then I discovered its Achilles
heel, cardboard. It simply hates
cardboard. It tapes up nicely at first,
but store it for a year or two and
you'll have a mass unsticking on your
hands.

Consider this column as a 5-credit
course in the University of Life. I'd
give you a few more tips, but I'm
now experiencing full body spasms
and fear medical intervention may be
required.

About The Author:

Douglas Sassaman is a freelance
writer, aspiring novelist, and self-
described humorist (who some think
should be self-committed). He
writes the humor column, 'Life in the
Cosmic-Burp' on the web at
http://CosmicBurp.com.